Maa for me

Maa, the word brings alive images of that one woman, encompassing love, care, warmth, compassion and protection. The word also comes spontaneously to the mind while remembering any Goddess in Hindu
pantheon, as a remembrance, invocation or as the saviour. No wonder, even the English Collins dictionary describes the word as informal terms like mother. Be it mother, someone like mother, or the Goddess,
Maa is an integral part of the Indian psyche. From the first cries of an infant who utters the word unknowingly to crying in despair due to pain, the utterance of the word Maa comes naturally and spontaneously.
Be it the mother or Goddess, the word is the reason of our existence in this world. We celebrate many festive occasions as a tribute to Maa, the Goddess and the all protecting mother and seek her blessings. On the occasion of Durga Puja, it would be befitting to offer obeisance to Maa, my mother, who I consider at par with Goddess Durga, who bestows her blessings on me in every breath, who stands by me in every odd, guides me, protects me and gives me strength to take the world head on.
It was a few months back, when I saw Maa lying unconsciously on a bed inside the recovery room post a life threatening surgery. She was still, and my heart beat skipped a little. I had to actually get closer to her face to see if her breath was normal or not. Pipes of all types were attached to her body and monitoring systems were sounding their beeps in many variations. It was unnerving, quite a lot, and I tried to utter Maa
many times but failed since I was already crying by then. It was the most terrifying moment of my life. I knew my father was a pillar of strength for me and could never think of being in this world without him but Maa, this was the first time, I realised how strongly I need her to be normal. I had branched out of her, she had infused prana into me and today, her plight made me weaker. I was told she will be fine in a few hours, I hoped so. She is still recovering and everytime I see her, I find her sapped of energy but with the same concern, love and warmth she always exudes. On this Durga Puja, I wish she gives me
the same support she has always given.
I remember, when I was barely 10, I fell down and bruised my legs so much that, out of fear I wanted to keep it away from my mom’s eyes till it healed though my frocks were long enough to hide the wound. It
was when she was in the bathroom, that I could look at the bruises and pour some antiseptic on it. I slept peacefully that night hoping Maa doesn’t know about it. At mid of night when I woke up to some kind of
feeling that someone was putting some ointments on my leg that I realised, it was Maa. She knew I had bruises and didn’t want to show her. She kept pushing gushes of air from her mouth so that the
medicine on the wound doesn’t wake me up. This was Maa. I wish, she keeps besides me whenever I am injured, mentally or physically.
I never felt close to Maa during my college life. There were incidents that scarred me but I knew I could fall back on Maa whenever I want. I did actually when I was in deep trouble. She was silent all through
may be with a feeling that I hid so many things from her, but she, in her silence, let me feel that I am not alone. I wish, she stays with me forever so that I never feel lonely, all my life.
When my daughter was born, Maa let me sleep and kept singing lullaby to my kid all night despite knowing well that she will have to be back in her school in the morning. Maa’s presence made me feel, my daughter
had another Maa at her side to make her sleep and feel comfortable. I remember, how Maa used to guard me from wearing skirts that were a little less than the knee level or necks that were deep enough to attract the wrong attention. I never liked  those things then, but today, my daughter has made me realise, Maa was
right and she can never think wrong about her children.
Not that I exercise the same on my daughter, but the values she ingrained in me have left such an indelible impression on me that I can proudly pass that over to my daughter. I learnt everything from you Maa and I know you are my teacher, mentor, friend and guide. I would wish, as Durga Maa brings along with her happiness and strength all through the year in her myriad forms, Maa holds my hands for all times to come and gives me strength to face the world.

Reconnections & recollections

I got a call from Arundhati after a long time. She sounded happy and wanted to meet me. After her usual questions about how I am and my parents are, she came to the point. ``I want to tell you something, can we meet?'' I knew she would talk about something that she has not been able to share with anyone else. ``Of course we can but it has to be on a lean day for me so that I dont rush back to work,'' I said.

In two days' time, I was already seated in the nearest coffee outlet when I saw Aru, (as I normally address her) getting into the cafe in her usual carefree style of dressing and complementing it with ethnic neckpiece and bangles. ``Hello, how are you?'' she said giving me a hug. Since I was eager had little time, I asked her if she wanted cold coffee or hot and poked her to tell me what she wanted to.

Very straight in her approach, Aru said what I feared always. She was once again in love. This was not the first time that Aru was telling me about a boy or a man, that she has been hooked to. I smiled to ask her back, ``is it something serious?'' ``Yeah, very serious,'' she sighed.

Aru met this guy after an interregnum of 20 years. A teenager in late 90s, she had spent close to four years of friendship with him when he used to frequent their house as the son a family friend. He was studying in the college where, Aru's father was a professor. So his visits were a regular affair and everyone in the house, including her mom, wanted him to be around at least in the evenings to have some home cooked food as he was a hostelite. The visits soon had blossomed into a bond, a bond that cannot be defined or given a name, Aru had told me years back on a casual reference. ``Actually I never knew he was madly in love with me. In my school days, he used to stare at me for hours, spend time only with me for long, gave me flowers, supported me even when I was wrong, consoled me when I cried, tried to teach me maths in which I was poor, but I would never pay any heed to what he taught, he would wake up in the morning and rush into my room to have a look at me.''

I could understand what Aru was trying to tell me. So I asked her, how could she know that he was in love with her.

``With time obviously and his behavioural changes,'' Aru explained. ``Somehow I got an inkling that he wanted me as his life partner, but I was not prepared for committing to a relationship at that stage. I had just completed my Plus Two from school and got admitted into a college. I read some of his love poems, he writes very well, and found that my guess was correct. He was very close to me but I had never thought of him as my life partner, In fact, my parents and his parents also wanted the relationship to grow. But I knew it was too early in life and I was meeting many friends at college who also professed their love for me. Not that I was very beautiful, but there was something in me, which I dont know, attracted many. Who knows, I might choose any of those as a life partner,'' I had thought then.

``So what happened now?'' I asked surprised at why she had raked up a 20-year-old story now. Aru explained, ``We met through Facebook once again and became friends. He has also visited me a few times. Though I have forgotten all about him, he has refreshed my memory. Everything is so well etched in his mind. He is well settled now and still feels his life is incomplete without me.''

``Crazy?? Doesnt he know that you are married and have a child?''

``He knows, but he doesnt want to marry me as well. He also has a family and a child and is doing well in life. All he wants is to revive the same fondness and respect that each one of us had for each other. And not at the cost of our respective families' happiness. He chats with me for hours and speaks to me over phone at times, that is all,'' Aru said wryly.

After Aru had refused to marry him, he was disheartened and lost all hopes in life. He was shattered. Though he continued higher studies in management in the same city, he never returned to Aru because he didnt want to impose anything on Aru or emotionally make her bow to his love. ''I come to know this now, when he explained why he didnt keep in touch after his graduation. He also told his wife before marriage about his love for me and gave her all freedom to say a NO if she didnt want to marry him,'' Aru explained.

``Are you in love with him,'' I asked.

``Am not too sure, its just three four months that we have started talking to each other. But I have no ill feelings towards him, he had never tried to impose himself on me even when I was too young, never came close to me, neither does he want anything from me now. He just wants to be in touch with me for the rest of his life if its ok with me,'' Aru said filled with emotions. I could see that glint of sorrow in her eyes and also felt, she was in love with the guy even though she is not open about it. Maybe in another few months, she might actually profess her love for the person.Aru, as I know her is bad at breaking hearts.

Aru married the person she had loved and both had a happy and content life. As far as I knew both of them her husband was loving and caring, so was her daughter. It was a complete family. Then why is Aru getting into this relationship, I wondered, but never thought she needed advice. She was very decisive and firm in what she decided. Its her life and she knows how to handle, I just hoped she never falls out of her marriage and her family life never gets disturbed.

``So what have you thought,'' I asked. ``Can you continue with two relationships together? Wont it be unfair on your marriage?''

``I have not thought of this as a relationship at this point of time, but yes, I cant say what will happen in some time. I like him a lot, he is too good and I look forward to his calls. It feels good to reconnect with him after such a long time. We have discussed all about the past years and I dont know why, but he has made it clear from day one that he still loves me. He had said that he has never been able to get over me in all these years and he will continue to love me till he dies. And when I told him that I love my husband more than anyone else in this world, he said , ``that is absolutely fine. I dont want anything in return, mine is unconditional love. Just be with me,'' he keeps saying. But one thing am sure, I can be as close to him without the fear of being taken for a ride or exploited. I know, my life is complete with my husband and daughter but some unknown force within me is taking me close to him. The same fondness still exists between us,'' Aru kept on saying and I had to disturb her in between.

``Aru, you are a sensible girl, I know you wouldn't do anything whimsically. I also know you think not from the mind but from the heart. Still, you will never cause damage and pain to anyone. You are balanced enough to know if you can continue with this or put a full stop. Take some time and think,'' I said her.

She took the last sip from the coffee cup and smiled at me. ``I will meet you in some months again and tell you more about my life,'' she said and dropped me at my office without uttering a single word on the way.

Lessons I learnt

Last week when I was accompanying Maa to the radiation sessions, I learnt new lessons in life. It was from the people who were there for radiation. It was from people who have battled with their lives in many phases. It was these people who have taken problems of life in theirstride. I learnt life was not just about living and dying, earning and spending, life was not about luxury and sumptuousness, not even about regaling and merrymaking. Life meant, to live every second of existence as it were the last moments.
The gathering in the waiting room was a mix of people from all ages. Most had come with one attendant and a majority was women who had a bandana tied to their head. Which meant they already had a surgery and a few chemotherapy sessions and were in the third and final phase of the treatment - radiation. Which also means these people have been fighting the disease for at least six months and have another month or so to bear the pain.

For some, the pain was visible. The women, all of them, had dark circles around their eyes.They were waiting for their turn to be called inside the radiation room. Like passengers in groups or alone, waiting for a train that  was scheduled on the platform anytime.
Till they were called in, they seemed to be chirpy, discussing things from cricket matches to Animal Planet (because the TV in the room was often switched on to Animal Planet or Discovery else cricket match!!)
I decided to talk to some patients in the five to seven days I went  with Maa, to know what they were going through and how thery were coping with the reaction.  Most of them startled me. They had an amazing sense of victory in them, they oozed confidence at the way they have come this long, they were too ready to share their story of `suffering'. Not an ounce of remorse in the words any of them had. They were in command of their lives and knew how to deal with any untoward situation. Even a teenager, who had a couple of sessions had pain in her throat but she was actually not bothered about that. She  was worried to leave for home early so that she can study for her exams. For a moment I thought about the little things that unnerve me - a little fight with the neighbour, a little lesser hike in the annual increment, a little delay in reaching a movie hall and the list is endless.And here these people were dealing with an eddy of problems, yet they were as calm as the deep sea.
Each of them had a different story to tell. But they were full of life though life was trying to sap energy and strength out of them. They looked happy in whatever state they were or pretended to be so. They took every day as a new day and a new beginning and were hopeful that they will soon be normal. I can just pray the Almighty for all those people in the world who are fighting a tough battle, and lend me some strength and determination that these people cling on to with belief and conviction.

You made an impression dear!

She was like any young girl looking for a job, not so seriously though, the day she appeared for the interview. She said she was here for her summer internship and I was supervising her. It came as a surprise to me since I never remembered her. In fact, I dont remember interns who are not exceptionally good at the job. So I shook my head as though I recollected but honestly, I didnt.

The day she finally joined, she came to me and wished me. Petite, happy-go-lucky, charming, very child-like, she was all of 22, right there in a newspaper office to make a career as a journalist. I noticed her for a long time that day. I was in fact silently admiring her for many things – she seemed so lively, bubbly, chirpy and full of life (naturally it was her first day in office and she would not be so well aware about the rigours of the profession till some time passed) and there are many more adjectives that I can attach to her personality. There were many others who had joined office much later than I joined way back in 1997, but I never felt this freshness in any newcomer's attitude. And in a short time she made a place in the office, as easily as a new book makes a place of its own in the bookshelf.

Not that she was a workaholic but she was serious about what she was doing. Since she knew she had to stay put in this office for some years at least, she made a diligent search for a house, a mess, a hostel and tried all of these to settle finally in a single room accommodation, shelling out a good sum of money. She was clear in her mind about what she wanted from this job and life. Her priorities were clearly defined. She bought a two-wheeler immediately, she possessed the bestest of cameras much ahead of getting the job because she knew she needed to be a good photographer along with being a journalist. She seemed to be aware of the happenings around the world to some extent, at least those things which the present day youngsters are so comfortable with, she was techno-savvy and knew how to fix her cell phone problems. As is normal for her age, she had a dedicated bunch of friends who were ready to help her house hunting and shifting from one to the other.

One day, I noticed a beautiful watch on her wrist and was keen to know the brand. Shocked at her revelation that it was a something not many of my ilk would invest money on, my mouth remained open for quite some time. But she was so happy with her new buy that there was no trace of regret on her face even when all of us made fun of her.

My colleagues were at times not so happy with the way she functioned – she is not the types to sit at one place to file a story. She keeps moving here and there with her cellphone and most confuse it to be her restlessness and lack of seriousness. But it was neither of it. She was okay in the work she did but not exceptional. You cannot expect a six month old journalist to give you a national headline . It was her way of working and she was ready to bring in changes in her style of working, provided she was told where she lacks and needs to improve. She is a learner and it will take some time to calm down, a quality quite unlikely to be seen in the present day youths.

I am also in awe of her because of the confidence she possesses and the way she handles her day to day problems. It is not easy to work in an alien city managing things on own. But she is a go-getter and is happy the way she is. ``I keep telling my friends that I work in the `coolest' of all newspaper offices,'' I have often heard her saying.

I had another reason to feel nice about her. She was nine years older to my daughter and I always felt a part of my daughter in her. Because, I have seen my daughter grow up with equal amount of restlessness and eagerness to explore the world around her. Like her, I can see my daughter being looked at with awe while trying to be her own self and adjusting in her office, some years from now.

I can only say this much that the young generation is responsible and we can be happy that the country has a lot of them.

Love lost, found and lost

An image, filled with life, brought alive

Imprints of yesteryears

That promised to keep lighting up

Moments of stillness and calm

An image, more of life, gave innumerable

Sleepless nights and slumber

Filled with dreams

Woven with fondness and chastity

An image, a fresh life, that reflected

Purity, piety and peace

 of early morning touch

filled with dewy affection

An image,  who defined life, and made

Words flow into reams of paper

Left the world meaningless

With a single denial

An image, live, that came back

As a gust of wind bringing

Loads of love

Suddenly felt lost, tryiing to find way

An image, losing sheen of life, lost hopes

Was left alone, tired and sick

Trying to gather pieces of life

Reasoning - why answer the volley of questions

Tommy needed a home & lots of love

The day I realised Tommy was being ill-treated which is why he is falling sick every now and then, I thought enough is enough. I needed to bail him out of this state. I could not rescue him since I was staying out of the house for over 7 hours. I kept thinking on what could be a plausible  solution to this never ending and ever haunting problem. I asked one of my friends to help me place an ad asking people to adopt him. But before taking this step I thought why not try Facebook which offers a chance to at least reach out to friends. And in all probabiIity, Tommy could get a home where he would be cared for and loved.

I immediately opened FB and stated just two lines as my status message, ``anyone interested to adopt a four year old Daschund who needs someone to take care of him and love him?’’ And in no time I got one immediate response from a very sweet friend of mine. There were others who sympathised but had similar problems like mine.  It felt nice just to know that there are still some people who care amd this world isnt as bad a place to live in as we think or conclude it to be.

But in this good world, there are real cruel people and I explain why i term them so. Tommy was brought to their house, hardly when he was 21 days old. I never saw him till a month or more because I wanted not to be attached to the little one. I am very fond of animals and it wont take time for me to bond with him. Though my eight year old daughter had already informed me of the new arrival. In fact i was I was worried at the first mention because I knew my neighbours who had brought him home  were not the animal loving kinds.  I already had fights with people who beat animals and ill treat them. It was Tommy’s owners who insisted I visit them and see him since they knew I was an animal lover. I resisted initially but gave in due to my daughter’s pestering.

The moment I stared at the small one I was in love with him. It had sparkling eyes and a black coat that was more shiny than the woman in the Sun Silk black ad. But what I didnt like was that it was tied with a chain too heavy for a two-month puppy. I requested the owners to leave it open and train him so that he doesnt move out of the house without being asked to. But they felt a dog is destined to be chained and kept only to guard the house. I had no say but I always got disturbed whenever I heard him barking or being beaten up. My daughter brought him to our house one day. He was not even able to walk properly since he looked pretty weak and as soon as I gave him some biscuit and milk, he ate it up as if he had not eaten since ages. The bond had begun to grow between us  - my family and Tommy – so much so that he has become a family member, visiting us every day four hours in the mornring and three in the evening. Sundays are his favourite since we all stay back at home and he spends the entire day with us.

There were times when my other neighbours informed me of the ill treatment meted out to the poor soul in our absence. Not only did the owner but his servant too beat Tommy at his whim. I tried to interfere once or twice but to no avail. Rather I was told that they dont like any kind of  interference in their family  matters.

So I wanted to give Tommy whatever he needed, a bath, a combing, food and even took him to the doc for vaccination.  In the four years, the owners kept going out to their son who was settled outside for months. The poor soul was left in the hands of the servant boy who never took care of him. They had two grandsons in between and Tommy’s plight became bad to worse. Whenever the grandsons were in their house, Tommy will be left outside the house for hours till I came back from office. They often told us they would give Tommy away to someone or leave him outside the house to move around with the strays.

Even when Tommy was seriously ill, they went to attend a marriage party leaving it with us to take him to the vet. That day,  I spoke to the owners of Tommy about his plight and that he needed to be cared well. But they flatly refused saying they had no intention of keeping the pet anymore and wanted me to take charge. Had I been staying at home, I would have loved to keep him but I am working and my house remains locked for 7 to 8 hours. How do I keep him alone in the house for such a long time. I decided I had to do something.  

Apart from the response on FB, I have got phone calls from more closer acquaintances and friends who wanted to know more about Tommy. Many expressed their desidre to visit us to see the dog so that  they might take him home. I know it will be difficult for me to give away my Tommy but there is no other way out.

But I am happy, there are friends who I can look up to in times of need. And also thankful that God let me know that He is there to give an answer to all our worries. Thank you all and thank God!

That fateful day

It was January 7. Just the beginning of a year. And the new year hangover was yet to die down. But deep within there was some unrest, may be divinely ordained for things to come. The fateful morning led us all to the family doctor to have Maa's check up done because of a mouth ulcer (in the tongue) that was showing no signs of healing. The ulcer was, as the doc said, fiercely staring. The last time, he had seen the same ulcer was two months back and he had assumed it to be a normal one that happens because of stress and strain. Not unlikely for Maa since she was tensed for something or the other at home.

She had retired as a school teacher and gave all her time to the home. All the more engrossed in making papa's life easy since he is almost bedridden post a spine surgery. At times, he is unable to walk even a step and its Maa who helps him urinate with the help of a bucket in the bedroom and then disposes it of in the toilet. And this happens at least thrice at the mid of night. Imagine, the amount of sleep she must be getting over all these nights!

We were asked to go for a smear test at the nearest hospital, the sooner the better, the doc warned. We were two of us with Maa, me and my brother, elder to me by a year and a half. Our heart sank. We feared the worst. Its normal, pretty normal to think negative when you are slightly well read and know about the repercussion of such wounds that dont heal despite medication for over a month. Homeopathy, allopathy, mouth washes and vitamin supplements – nothing worked.

The test was painful because the tongue was scrapped time and again to collect samples. Maa managed to bear it all. My brother went back home with Maa and I came back to office. The report was supposed to come in three hours. But there was so much of mixed reactions – one that suggested the reports would be normal and another that threatened of a carcinogenic ulcer, no idea whether benign or malignant. At one point I felt time should fly and at others I wished three hours should change into three years...and it actually made me feel like three years!!! with the eyes almost stuck on the watch. I was looking at the cell phone every second expecting my brother's call, and hours passed by. These hours were harrowing. I was in office and it was difficult to control the emotions.

The wait finally ended with a phone ring, it was my brother's. I took some time before picking up and gathering myself with all strength - to listen to the good or maybe the worse. It was the worse! It was Oral cancer but a biopsy was required to confirm. My brother wanted me to be right there with him at the hospital. But I was crying inconsolably even without realizing that I was in office, right in my desk with one my pages opened, half made. Two of my colleagues next to me didnt know what was wrong but yes, they knew something was really bad.

I left office and by the time I reached the doctor, thoughts and more thoughts crowded my mind. But reality had to be faced and I and my brother needed to be strong enough to face Maa and Papa, to convince them that we can fight it out together. At the moment, breaking the news to them was all the more important. We had to, sooner the better, since Maa had to be taken to an oncologist immediately. So both of us put up a brave face and reached home. It seemed, they had guessed it right but weren't ready to accept.

We knew a battle had just begun, Maa in the lead followed by all of us, her own and many, who were more than her own. And we decided to fight, a fight that had just begun, with the hope of coming up trumps, soon.